Pause

Hello.

I’m going to pause my blog, possibly until school reopens.

I’m getting increasingly frustrated trying to work from home whilst taking care of Joe all day. It isn’t possible with no family support up here and no childcare options at my disposal. I just can’t get any time to myself, only snatched moments here and there to get the laundry done, to hoover or to wash up after lunch. Even dealing with basic admin is difficult.

A few weeks ago he accidentally smashed the screen on my computer. We do have a Chromebook and a tablet, but photo editing and blogging require a PC so I had to pay out a lot of money for a new one. I’ve also had to resubscribe to Photoshop and need to teach myself how to use Lightroom effectively.

The new PC is fine but runs very slowly because I need to remove a lot of unnecessary stuff from it.

Small frustrations build up and you start feeling mentally fragile.

Yes, Joe understands that I need time to get things done but that generally means household jobs. I can’t expect a bright and talkative - oh, so very talkative - seven year old to play in his room for hours on end, or to sit in front of the TV for an afternoon (although I know he’d love to do the latter).

Having an only child may seem to some like an easy ride, but with no siblings to play with, I’m the one who provides the entertainment. It’s exhausting ( we spend hours outdoors walking and exploring as it’s easier than being indoors jumping from one activity to the next), and by the time I finally stop and sit down in the evenings I’m mentally exhausted. The prospect of making art or editing photos or writing blog posts is not an appealing one.

So, for the sake of my own mental wellbeing, I’m having to focus on the necessities: childcare and keeping things going around the house. Printmaking - well, I tried to get some done this morning and I was followed into the workroom and talked at incessantly so I gave up after twenty minutes. There are so many things I want to do: writing, more photography, creative stuff… but I can’t. And as a creative that’s very difficult. I need headspace and time alone sometimes but there are still four and a half weeks until autumn term begins.

I’m fantasising about being able to sit and read quietly, or to go out on my own and buy a coffee and people watch for an hour. Or to sketch ideas or learn something new by watching online tutorials. But that seems like a long way off. I see my friends constantly marketing their businesses, doing the daily social media thing, and I just feel defeated. Even getting up earlier hasn’t helped, because Joe seems to sense there’s someone up and about, and the creak of the stairs signifies the start of another day of parenting.

Sorry if this seems like a huge self pity party. I’m just being honest. Life is not Insta perfect, the initially fun hiatus from normality is wearing very thin, and I’m sure that in reality many of us are feeling completely worn down.

I’m so grateful the homeschooling is over for the holidays.

Trying to do everything but achieving very little is hard. I need a break but it’s not forthcoming, so I’m putting a few things aside.

I hope you’ll come back at the end of the summer.

Sarah.