On Reaching Dry Land Again...

After having been caught up in quite the maelstrom.

I know I alluded to things being stressful in a previous post and on Instagram, and they really have. Life threw a few problems at us last month, and they’re considerable and ongoing. I’ll be completely honest: in terms of my mental health, I was spiralling. Anxiety levels through the roof - worse than I can remember in recent years - and all that goes with it (lack of sleep, feeling jumpy and hyper, catastrophising anything and everything).

I was struggling to function and get through the day.

Worse still, it felt as though just performing the most basic of tasks was about all I could manage. Anything else - including taking pictures, writing, reading - well, I was completely unable to focus. And I didn’t particularly want to.

That bothered me.

Anxiety I’m used to. But sliding into depression - that’s new territory and the possibility of that happening scared me. A lot.

I’m not sharing this in the hope of prompting lots of sympathetic messages, or even to explain why it’s been so quiet on the blogging/Instagram front lately. It’s more my telling the tale of how I adjusted my sails, weathered the storm and reached dry land again.

Firstly, I asked for help.

I saw my friends and spoke with them, and each of them - in their own way - helped pull me from the depths.

I made an appointment with the doctor and she was incredibly understanding. Between us, we figured out a course of action and now, a month on, things feel so much more positive.

I walked. A lot. Alone, in the hills.

I found a peaceful place to go with a book. I went back to basics and noticed the arrival of spring, felt the sun on my face and the wind blowing around me.

And (this is really important) Jay and I made plans. Because taking action gives you a light at the end of the tunnel, and reinforces the feeling that you’re working your way out of a bad situation.

I won’t go into details about what triggered this whole episode. It was a combination of things: people, circumstances, events. But we’re healthy and a close knit unit and we’ll get through this rough patch.

And, of course, I’ve learned a few lessons.

So because of this tumultuous few months, and because we’re still in a state of flux, I made some decisions.

I considered - briefly - abandoning the journal but have reached the conclusion that I want to continue.

However, I’m taking the summer off.

The next issue will be Autumn/Winter. And after that, Spring/Summer. So I’m changing it to a biannual publication, which effectively halves the number of deadlines to meet.

I’m shelving the newsletter for the time being: instead, there will be the blog and Instagram for any updates from Frond & Feather.

Part of my evaluating and planning was to look for part time work. I wanted to relieve the financial pressure and to earn money (the journal pays for itself but in no way provides a steady income). So I registered with a recruitment agency - something I haven’t done in over a decade.

It wasn’t the best feeling, the prospect of returning to an office job. I don’t feel particularly at home in the corporate world, but I have good experience and lots of transferable skills. So I went through a brief interview and came home, and before a day had gone by I was being offered work.

But this is where I knew that things were looking up once more. Because I was also given an opportunity to work somewhere truly lovely, and I took it.

Nothing to do with the agency, everything to do with right place, right time. And an offer which I’m extremely grateful for. Having done a few weeks already I can honestly say I’m in love with my job.

I still needed more hours though, and was due to start work today in the finance department of a grammar school. Part time again (to make up some extra hours) and a tricky commute. I wasn’t looking forward to it one bit.

But at the last minute I received another great offer. Again, down to my having asked - no agency involvement. Again, I took it.

I don’t need to start work in the school after all. No being deskbound, no staring at a screen or attending meetings or sitting in traffic.

Instead: two part time positions. Working with flowers and beautiful things, and working with books. It literally could not get any better.

Serendipity happens sometimes.

So I’ll be working in two magical places, fitting things around Joe (who starts his SATS this week), and there’s still time to take pictures and write.

I took my camera out again last week for the first time in a while. My interest in the world, my creativity, a sense of motivation and optimism: they’re here again.

The countryside is green and blooming. On our walk to school this morning, the blossom covered the ground like confetti and the churchyard was filled with bluebells.

It’s my birthday on the 18th, and we’re off to Edinburgh at the end of the month. A friend back home has offered us her house for the second part of half term. There’s a lot to feel positive about and look forward to.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who did get in touch. And it’s always good to know you’re not alone; that we all struggle sometimes. And that’s OK. No doubt things will get tough again but storms can be weathered if you adjust your sails accordingly.