Jumping Off, Stepping Away

It’s been a while.

So much going on - too much, in fact. I hit a wall just before October half term: that old ‘too many tabs open’ thing people often joke about, but it was no joke.

There have been a lot of stressors, big and small, which have been accumulating in my life and that cumulative effect has been detrimental to my mental wellbeing.

I don’t mind sharing this; it happens occasionally and I know the signs. Little things which I’d normally shrug off suddenly start to really annoy me. I get forgetful. I don’t sleep and as a result feel exhausted and unable to focus or function very well. I get snappy and sweary. I mean, more sweary than usual. I get shaky and anxious and feel like I can’t keep running on adrenaline, that something has to give, that the slightest thing’s going to make me burst into tears.

So half term came at just the right time. I’d booked it off work as a holiday and it was a relief to jump off the ever-accelerating carousel and step back and start to regroup.

Between the morning school run (4 miles, starting with a battle to pull out across the traffic onto a very busy main road), Joe (I’m not going into that here), family goings-on (again, I’m not going into it), juggling meet-ups and various activities, playing catch-up with my photography course, and the endless saga of buying the house… Like I said, too much. We all have different thresholds for stress and I’d been clinging to the very frayed ends of my tether for a while, and finally lost my hold on it.

The house is no more. We pulled out.

Basically, the seller’s useless solicitors came good in that they uncovered a problem in the shape of the garage (built on land rented from the local council). Apparently, it would have to be knocked down in the event of the house being sold. The agent asked me if that would be an issue. I said yes, but if we could still rent the land it was on for parking it wouldn’t be a deal breaker.

The seller wanted a yes or no pretty much immediately but I explained I’d have to call Jay at work then we’d speak to the council to clarify things. The agent wanted to push the sale through and made light of the issue. I wasn’t for being pressured into making a decision, and it turned out that the council were no longer willing to rent the land (it being at the edge of woodland and they didn’t want to be liable for falling trees etc). Parking up there is very tight as the houses don’t actually sit on a road; you reach them by a footpath.

There was no offer to reduce the price of the house despite it no longer having any option for car parking, so we made the decision to end the process before exchanging contracts and becoming legally bound.

So now we’re around £1000 down (surveyors, solicitors) and back to square one. There’s nothing on the market and we missed out on a few suitable houses recently due to being committed to this one. But it was the right decision and I’ve made peace with it. I think it just wasn’t meant to be.

So. I think we’re all up to speed with that.

Joe went to stay with his grandparents for three nights during the holidays, and I decided to shelve a few things until I felt a bit more able to pick them up again.

I’ve taken lots of photographs as obviously it’s something I enjoy. The photography course… well, I’ve adapted that a bit too.

I decided not to do the last two assignments. The course is all run online, and there’s no certificate or qualification at the end. It’s more about you stepping outside your comfort zone, experimenting, trying new things, learning new skills and perspectives. And I absolutely have. But I’d sometimes spend hours taking pictures, editing them, and submitting what I felt was work to be proud of. I tended to get pretty lukewarm feedback on the whole and admittedly fell into the hole of comparing that to what others were getting - mostly rave reviews.

A fair few of them have very big Instagram followings and are already established photographers (ie. doing it professionally: weddings, branding etc); they seem to know one another too, and I started to feel a bit disheartened. It got to the point where I got very self critical and lost my enthusiasm for photography for a little while. It felt as though my best just wasn’t good enough. But then I decided to make the most of the good stuff; instead of tuning in for the weekly Zooms (8pm, I was just too tired) I watched the catchups, took relevant notes and skipped the rest. I tried out the new techniques that interested and inspired me, and ignored anything else. I wrote down useful tips shared on the Facebook group.

I whittled it all down to what got me fired up and identified what I’m good at and how I want to move forward - so next, it’s getting some business information together, building a portfolio and trying out a side hustle.

Sometimes it’s good to recognise what you don’t enjoy or need or want to do, and for me that’s abstract and urban photography. It’s just not my thing and that’s OK.

So, moving on. Self-care for me - both physical and mental - has always involved being outside. I’ve wandered the hills and woods locally and taken myself on little trips out.

It’s important to me to slow down and notice the little things in nature and the seasons: sights, smells, sounds, the weather, the changes going on at their own gradual pace.

I’ve tried to mute my phone as much as I can to avoid the seemingly endless notifications. Each ping feels like a sharp, demanding little prod sometimes, distracting me and unsettling my mind. It’s invasive and intrusive - particularly when you’re feeling fragile and are trying to recalibrate mentally.

I’ve also spent time with friends, old and new, and have been back home to Rossendale with Joe to meet up with his friends too. I visited my brother and good as it was to see him, unfortunately I came away feeling concerned and unsure what to do about his situation. It’s complicated. And a source of worry.

Halloween was a bit if a damp squib in some ways. The school disco was cancelled and replaced with fancy dress instead (Covid concerns), Joe cried his skeleton makeup off early doors because he scored badly in his maths test and our planned trick-or-treating jaunt to Cragg Vale was called off because the weather was pretty appalling. But we cosied up, ate sweets and watched Beetlejuice by pumpkin-light and listened to the wind howling and the rain lashing the windows and all was well.

Gratuitous pictures of an incredibly friendly cat, btw.

I went across to Haworth one morning, alone, to walk and just be. It was lovely.

I also walked the moors where the Bronte sisters had. It was wild and windswept and good for the troubled soul I think.

Then I made my way back into the village and had some lunch on a bench in the park. It may have involved pastry products. Just to keep the cold out.

And now I’m wondering if there’s a bonfire we can go to tomorrow night.

If we’d bought the house and things had worked out, we’d have been having our own bonfire party. But at least there’s no more uncertainty or getting annoyed with incompetent solicitors, and we don’t have to worry about the possibility of moving house over Christmas. The bulbs we’d bought for the new garden can be planted into pots to come with us when we do find the right house.

And we will.

I’ve been reading up on witchcraft lately, as it interests me a lot. Much of it stems from passed-down wisdom and rituals, and an affinity with nature and animals. I’m down with that.

Plans for November:

• Going to see the new Wes Anderson film with a friend

• Making soy wax candles with the supplies I bought aaaaages ago

• Roasting the chestnuts Joe collected when he was away in Cheshire

• Using up the windfalls and other apples I’ve been given to make apple sauce for the freezer

• Making lists for Christmas: food, gifts, cards

• Planning a day trip to Harrogate in December

• Savouring the autumnal colours before they fade and winter arrives

And to keep being kind to myself by not trying to do too much. That’s very important.