Whirlwinds — Frond & Feather

I’m back again.

It seems like a good time to post; Joe went back to school yesterday, I’m awaiting a new delivery of magazines to arrive (update: they’re here), and it’s my first free day (from work and childcare) in a while.

Summer’s over - more or less - and autumn beckons. I’m relieved in so many ways. In others, not so much. Joe’s now ten and in his last year of primary school. We went to the zoo (as per his request) for his birthday. It was hot and busy, but we had a good day and he enjoyed himself. He took lots of photos and so did I but we’ve yet to go through them…

The summer holidays seemed to fly by and drag at the same time. The hot weather was, well, too hot. Some days just seemed to melt into the next as we lounged about, slightly bored but too docile to actually do anything. Joe spent a few days (and nights) each week with his grandparents in Cheshire so I could go to work. He likes going, but I felt guilty about it. He won’t be little for much longer.

Last week we went over to see my old friends back home, and it was lovely to catch up and for Joe to play with his friends, too. We had lunch out, and went on a walk to the usual comfortingly familiar places. The secret spot I always collect honesty seed heads from yielded a good few stems…

The new house is still very much a building site but progressing. The plasterer finishes this week, in time for the joiner to take over. After that it’s carpets. But in between we’ve got to choose paint colours and buy it all this evening - which is exciting. We’ve decided blue for the living room (moody, not pastel) and are still undecided for the bedrooms. The bathroom still has to be done (but again, it’s scheduled in) and the kitchen’s being blitzed with white temporarily until we knock through the external wall to extend it.

So we have decorating to do. And I need to find curtains and rugs, light fittings and all that stuff.

(Update #2: we ordered paint. We’ve gone for this for our bedroom, this for the living room and Joe chose this for his room).

This morning I went for a walk. Alone. I needed it.

The post is titled ‘Whirlwind’ because that’s exactly how life has been lately.

I’m never one to shy away from being honest about certain things, and mental wellbeing is one of them.

It’s been a tough few months. Trying - between us - to coordinate the house project has really taken its toll. From tradespeople not turning up to the council being impossible to contact, from attempting to sequence a schedule of works to us hitting one obstacle after another…

We currently live maybe four miles from Joe’s school. He doesn’t have any classmates close to home so until we move there’s nobody for him to play with. If I haven’t been at work, I’ve been home trying to keep him entertained. We’ve been wilting in the heat and I’ve tried to limit his screen time. But it’s mentally and emotionally draining.

And then there’s the magazine.

I really, desperately wanted the first issue to be an autumn one. I knew it was a massive undertaking, starting a magazine from scratch, alone, during the summer holidays. Teaching myself how to use publishing software, planning and writing the content, getting it printed, making a digital flip book. Getting a PDF which would link readers to the digital content. It literally went to the wire in terms of deadline; there was a glitch with the print company’s website which prevented me from uploading the magazine (and subsequently pushed the launch date back).

The flip book was giving me real issues in terms of providing reader access to it.

My online shop here on the website was also really difficult and I ended up listing the digital product as a physical one. It was the only way to make it work.

I say ‘I’, but in reality Jay stepped in. A lot. Getting the entire magazine written and put together (not to mention the endless proofreading) turned out to be the easy part. There were so many last-minute complications. I genuinely haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in weeks and weeks.

But we did get it done, and the magazine arrived in three very heavy boxes, and is beautiful. The digital version (and the link to it) work perfectly. I think Jay was a bit surprised I didn’t seem more excited and proud of it all, but it was strange. Perhaps when you’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster and running on adrenaline, you burn out and it somehow numbs your reactions to things.

Desensitises you. All the feels had been felt.

There have been many occasions over the summer where I’ve cried with frustration and exhaustion. It’s all down to the usual, of course. Trying to do too many things at the same time, putting pressure on myself to be a great parent, a successful writer, to make a beautiful home, to go to work, run a house, perform endless admin tasks. Worry about my brother and his girls.

When the magazine did launch, we weren’t prepared for how much demand there’d be. The dining table became a packing table. We were responsible for long queues in the post office. The cardboard mailing envelopes ran out (and we struggled to get more - thankfully, I’ve just taken delivery of a boxful).

Then the magazine itself ran out. More arrived today.

This isn’t all a bid to get a round of applause, by the way. I put myself in a very difficult position. Not quite knowingly (I’ve learned a ton along the way) but still. I take full responsibility for taking on too much.

However: there is a happy ending here. The magazine has - so far - been a resounding success. And despite the stress and burnout, I’ve realised that I’ve actually found my passion. Writing and photography: that combination of the two… they’re what I want to do. I’m still brimming with ideas and enthusiasm for this. There’s even a side project: a book. Maybe more than one.

The blog will continue as a journal of everyday life. I hope you still read it, perhaps even take some comfort from it if aspects resonate with you.

I met up with a local friend in the park the other day. Our boys are also friends, so it was nice to get together. She too was struggling, distracted and mired in a paralysing episode of anxiety. It happens to so many of us and we talked about it and felt better for talking about it.

Back to this morning’s walk. I needed it - yesterday was incredibly stressful. I handed in my notice at work. Something had to give, and that was the thing.

I generally work two days a week, with extra hours to cover here and there. But Jay and I discussed the situation at length and have decided to see how it goes, with me focusing on writing and photography, growing the magazine. We’ll shortly be running and paying for just one house instead of two - and the new one is smaller and far more economical. I can stop paying for after school care for Joe because it won’t be needed. We may scale down our plans for the house, keep it with just two bedrooms for now and build a workspace out in the garden instead. Have a bigger financial safety net.

So after a month of working my notice, I’ve agreed to just work one day a week for a while before leaving altogether.

While I was walking (it was a gloriously damp and murky morning, by the way) I managed to get distracted by nature. I rescued a bee from the clutches of a spider, noticed apples and acorns and rosehips, took pictures. And picked up a book from the Little Free Library: ‘Waking up in Winter’. It seemed serendipitous. A self-help book (I know, I know). ‘In Search of What Really Matters at Midlife.’ The woman on the front looks a bit like Lorelai Gilmore.

Am I at midlife? I suppose so, if I’m 40something. Is it likely to be a load of psychobabble? Possibly.

I have a tendency to attach meaning, significance to these chance happenings. I often think I’m being sent a little message from someone, somewhere - and I always hope it’s my mum giving me a nudge or a sign that everything’s OK.

I’ll report back on the book.

So things are getting trimmed down to more manageable proportions.

We’re going to be moving house to somewhere beautiful in time for Halloween (one of my favourite times of the year). The magazine is doing far better than I’d ever dreamed it would, and I’m really motivated and inspired to do so much more with it. Joe’s happy to be back in school with his friends.

And finally: the usual bits of this and that.

I’m re-reading short stories by Daphne du Maurier at the moment, along with a few ghost stories, and watching Happy Valley on iPlayer (Jay says that TV shows usually push property prices up, but in this case it’s probably the opposite). Sarah Lancashire came into work a month or two ago actually - they’d just finished filming the final series).

It’s time for soup-making. So that’s happening after school today. The weather has cooled down, the gourds and squashes are fattening nicely and I feel like making a big pan of something warming.

This weekend there’s an open day at Lumb Bank. It’s where Ted Hughes used to live and they have writer’s retreats and workshops there. I’ve wanted to visit for ages so am very excited about that.

And on Tuesday, I’m attending an open evening at my old high school. My niece is a pupil there and has a part in a few acts from Macbeth - sorry, the Scottish play - and she asked me to go and watch. It’ll be strange setting foot in that place after so long but again, I’m very much looking forward to it.